First of all, let me recognize that I am not ready to be dating. I have been downloading and deleting a couple of dating apps on repeat for the last couple of weeks, Hinge and Her, and I am not ready to be dating. Still, someone cute and lovely came along and I thot, ya know what, sure!

This attitude gets me places. Right now, I feel like getting places, wherever those places are, creates the basics for recreating an autonomous reality. My goal is making a whole new reality up, one in which I am wildly successful AT MYSELF. <3

So, fluffy teddy bear coat and I, went out to Hilt for a tall gin & tonic, and a burger with a side of fries. (It’s morning after, and I have heartburn, so I won’t exactly recommend the place, but the bartender WAS deeply kind when somehow I managed to touch a glass at my knee and it exploded all over the floor. He was sweet, had me back away in a very “in-charge” type of voice and cleaned up that glass. It’s the first time I got to watch a man sweep up something I’d broken. I enjoyed the experience. A solid 3 stars. Respectable.)

Then I found a table, claimed it with an order number- #7- and relaxed in a booth. My date showed up. She was funny, quick to laugh, flipped or ran her fingers through her hair repeatedly, is a chef, and skipped college to do other shit. I genuinely liked her. Totally my type of human. Cute, thick, blue collar, already partnered, engaged in her life, seemingly solid in her core, ready for ridiculousness.

We were both exhausted. Yesterday was our Friday, being chef/tattoo artist, and when the conversation hit a lull I recommended a walk. (God, the thrilling details…)

It was good. It felt good to be meeting her. I hadn’t spilled my guts, or been vulnerably awkward, and she felt nice walking next to me.

Then she invited me back to her place, for tea, and to meet her dogs. I KNEW NOT TO SAY YES. Not for any safety reasons, this person is a good, solid, decent person says all my instincts, but because… I sundown. Hard.

Ya’all, I am a sucker for dogs and tea. So… I went. And I chose to stay out to long, knowing that my filter shuts down and goes to ny-night at about ten pm. It was already past 11pm. My poor filter had been rocking things. Then I pushed it.

Part Two.

Scene 7:

Finn & date are in date’s living room, sitting perched on opposite sides of couch, small, old dogs between them, inquisitive chinchilla in the corner and date begins asking questions about life, love and relationships.

Finn response honestly.

Tension in the audience builds.

Ten things NOT to say on a first date with anyone, no matter if you’re feeling the vibe or not!

I just left my wife. (How recent?) Like, I just left her in New Orleans with my doggo, Under two weeks ago. (Damn, that’s fresh..) Fresh is a good word for it… but…
We were working on getting divorced for quite awhile actually, it just didn’t stick, and we have been living together for the last eight years.
Actually, I still, right now, have a bunch of her things in the back of my car, like a pull up bar, a table I made her, bags and bags of donation good… do you want to look thru the free box before I donate it?
We were totally codependant
I actually have no idea who I am right now at all, or what I want to be doing.
This is how you massage your tiny dog’s chest because of his congestive heart failure, also take him in the shower room with you, because the steam will help his little lungs and the heart is pressing on his lungs. (While accurate, unsolicited advice about an ailing pet is almost always, unsolicited.)
You get to be a real person in your open relationship? How do you do that?
I feel like it’s going to take me the better part of a year to see who I am without her, in the meantime, I’m not really dating. I mean, damn.
Oh, I “put up with everything” because she took care of me and it didn’t feel like putting up with. She did everything house wise (Which has been very satisfying to be doing on my own the past couple of weeks actually) and did most of my cooking… cleaning, laundry, etc.
I love her so much. She’s incredible and useful. And we tried everything and it didn’t work. Like, everything. Couples therapy. Sleeping with other people, not sleeping with other people. Space, talking, different rooms, same rooms, adventures, compromise, breaking up, getting back together, oh god, everything except her not smoking weed, which is still a point of contention for me.

YOU KNOW NOT TO SAY THESE THINGS. I know not to say these things. And still, there I go, saying them. Sure, they were honest. Realistic, truthful.

The whole point of a first date though, is to be light and see if I would enjoy the person for a second date, and if they would enjoy a second date. What happened there, is I felt comfortable and my therapy hasn’t yet started, so I emotionally regurgitated in this nice person, who I would totally see again, and who’s poor eyes got bigger and bigger, even as their exhausted yawning kicked in. Which, I am at the least a gentleman, who has a tiny at home, so I tossed back the rest of my tea, and sprinted casually for the door. We didn’t hug, and didn’t make future plans, but I did laugh at myself.

It’s hard to filter in the middle of crazy emotional vulnerability, and dear humans who have and who will go and have full on adventures with me, I am both grateful for your time, and apologetic in advance that I cannot heal in a bubble, that I need companionship and new reflections in order to see myself. Frida would understand.

What about you? Have you ever been on a date and said WAAAAY TO MUCH? Or been the person that got emotionally exploded on?