Spent most of yesterday practicing old school traditional tattoo flash, in the Sailor Jerry Style, so I could work on my spit shading techniques. This style of bold lines and simple shapes is comfortable for me, which means, I spent quite a bit of time thinking and watching MasterClass.

Thinking hasn’t really been my friend lately. Thinking leads me back down into the rabbit hole of “What if I… did this specific action and that action let my life work out in a way which allowed for me to actually be an artist and financially support having a wife and kids, specifically the wife I just left in New Orleans?”

Obviously, I am ruminating in the denial stage of grief. I keep downloading and uploading dating apps, when really I want to use Meet-Up as my “post divorce” comfort, but I feel to broke to go do any of the fun activities I know I love doing. Though right now, I don’t ACTUALLY love doing anything yet.

What did I expect? I would be healed and ready to take on the world after two weeks back home? No. I am barely moving into the frustrated/bitter and exhausted emotional state. I am barely making it to things I need to do, and I have made a whole $80 (1/2 of which goes to my shop) since being at work for six days. That $80 was hard earned too. That is all I will say about that!

Ultimately, I am MOTHERFUCKING disappointed IN everything right now.

There is no lovely lady in the line up for me to distract myself with. There are no inspiring art projects to throw myself into. There is no actual money making job to just show up to and know I am making cash for being there, and there is no way to use any of my favorite escapism tactics for this breakup. You know what though? That’s ok.

That is ok. I know I can do this. I know I can, and honestly, I even feel a little grateful. (Probably because before this, I’ve spent the last five years cultivating a gratitude practice in shitty situations.)

So. Here I go. Micro steps towards myself.

Create a schedule that will allow me space to try things, feel, recover, adapt, shift, change and relearn to believe in my internal power.
CHECK. Accompolished this morning right after completing my Morning Pages Ritual. (I may, or may not be comforted by rituals, habits and self soothing techniques.)
Plan nutritious and simple meals for myself. Spend the time doing meal prep, and focus on ingesting high nutrient whole foods for the next month. Allow myself to eat what I feel like eating, but cut out the excess sugar, stimulants and junk food. (Again, I eat pretty healthy, but have a tendency to over caffeinated and pretend my low blood sugar experience is a manic drug that is helping me preform.)
Without another human around to help me emotionally regulate, I will have to nutritionally regulate myself. Also, this is the number one thing I was looking forward to post divorce. My sweety and I needed to eat radically different foods to function and feel good, and this is the space I have been really looking forward to taking charge of my life with. Working with the location where there is energy and desire right now.
Decide on the three most important things and do those things. Right now, those are: walk Dirt, eat healthy food, and go to the tattoo shop. I am also really needing more introvert time than I expected, but I am hoping a conversation about expectations with the guys at Apollo Tattoo, will allow me to have my mornings to myself so I can be alone, and look for work.
Think about what I want and need in order to live a healthy, productive, fulfilled life. I had dreams before this relationship. I had goals. I had both of those things in the beginning, so it’s time to find them again. Right now I want to be left alone and paid to be myself. I really could use the $2000 a month experience that could be paid to all Americans if we just disassembled our very aggressive and monetarialy lucrative war machine. I keep thinking about a divorce stipend. If I am not allowed to take the fuck off, then what am I supposed to do, now that I have acted so utterly mature and overly compassionate?
Create a variety of optional futures. I adore planning, even when things don’t work out, and I am a sucker for organizational porn, calendars, (specifically the uncalender lifestyle planner) and bullet journals. Nothing gets me more excited than planners/organizational tools/new art supplies/sex toys/adventures and the idea of having my own Australian Shepherd puppy some day.
A) Potential Future One: I hang out at the tattoo shop five days a week, 6-8 hours a day and learn tattooing best practices while I work a couple of babysitting/nannying gigs and sell art/market wares at either PORTLAND Saturday Market, or Vancouver, Farmers Market.
B) Optional Future Two: I get into grad school and focus 60% of my energies on learning absolutely everything I can from everyone around me, I bring Dirt to class, and my studio time, and I work at Apollo Tattoo for 20-25 hours a week, learning about tattooing and have a slow burn type of apprenticeship.

C)Worst Case Scenerio which isn’t utterly that bad, but really doesn’t feel like a nice option: I don’t find a job, I don’t find anything, I get no help, I sell no art, I sell no tattoos, and I can’t pay my rent. I then, have to move back home. If that happens, I am getting a puppy, and I am gonna take care of my mom, and solicit the only tattoo shop in Chewelah, WA to allow me to tattoo there, because, while I still have tons of shit to learn, I am clean, and my lines are good, and I know how to color pack, and I know how to practice and try things.
My Mom would be much better taken care of in that instance at least. And there would be a puppy. She could use the care. I could use the woods. So even this, I would survive.
Admit that I am really, really, really sad. I am really sad. I am doing all the things I can. I will keep doing all the things I can, but fuck. I am not witty, I am not adorable. I am not talented. I am barely just this right now. I told my little sister, who is going through a much worse version of this, who probably could be included in the options of pre worst case scenario, that is was ok to fall apart. How can it be ok for her to fall apart, when it’s not ok for me to fall apart? I need space to fall apart.
Learn to Let Go where I can. I don’t know exactly what this means for me right now. It means I am blogging, walking, talking to people, breathing, and barely doing anything else, because I can’t. My current measure with how well I am doing, is how well Dirt seems to be doing. And he’s doing great. He is so happy. So happy to be with his Momma. So happy to be home. So happy to be going on walks. He is even playing with me. All of that? That matters to me. I can learn what I need to learn from this.
My mom told me to pray about what lesson I am needing to learn, because God doesn’t give us hard times without wanting us to learn a lesson. The only lesson I seem to be able to see in all of this- is for me to learn to be ok all alone. I learned that I was a really good partner to everyone else. For myself though? I have been an abusive partner. I have been so unkind to me, to my needs, to what I see as necessary in the world. I don’t yet know how to break that cycle with myself. However, I will learn. I know quite a few parts of myself, and they showcase that I WILL LEARN and I will most likely use art, and self expression to do so.
Ask for help. I have tons of people who love me. There is tons of help that isn’t monetary that will also actually help. I just have to know how and what to ask for help with. I warned my best friend Nora, who has been with me since I was 19, that if I have a choice between going home and being homeless, I will end up on her couch.
What would you do? What have you done when you can see your own control slipping away? When you have held yourself to such high standards that you are utterly dismayed and frustrated. What do you do to help yourself both accept and feel that grief, while also trusting and believing in your own survival, and ability to become purposeful and fulfilled and even happy, again?