“I just wanna pay my bills, rap about the way I feel, oh yeah..” -NF

Currently hanging out in my awesome 1985 Nissan Quest van that I am lucky enough to be slowly buying from B, at the bank-breaking amount of $150 a month, and I am sobbing. I guess, I WAS sobbing, and now I am sniffing and leaking… which is a bit more gross, though, easier to type through.

Just finished watching the Marriage Story on Netflix, and I am, lost to the experience. Started watching it with B when we got to Slidell, Louisiana, and we turned that shit off when they got lawyers involved in the divorce proceedings. It made me feel so very many things.

You know, the number one thing people are still asking me? “Were ya’all legally married?” as if a relationship that I spent a decade pouring my heart, soul, time, consciousness and effort into, was somehow less bad of a break up if we weren’t legally bound.

Narrative check. Both of my LTR relationships have been longer than both of my mother’s marriages. I lucked out. I get that.

However, that does nothing for the part of my heart that is so utterly broken that I am leaking, over in the corner at the tattoo shop while attempting spit shading on a sheet of traditional flash. Boo on that. Mother fucking boo on that.

My first LTR/domestic partnership/lesbian non-legal marriage, was seven years long. We met at 19, and were together until we were 26. I met B towards the end of that relationship, and we were together from the time I was 26-now. I’ll be 35 this year. Fuck. Maybe I’ll be 36. I’m not really sure today, though the difference is either an official decade long relationship, or a relationship just under 9 years long.

It wasn’t a decade. Fuck balls. It wasn’t a decade. I didn’t make it to ten years with her. Somehow, hurts more. A decade means something. Just under, means less.
Finn, that is utter bullshit.

A decade long relationship is the same to your heart as the relationship that you just had, which started, August 2010- and officially “ended” Feb 2020. I still did that. I still put in the time. Heterosexual people could and do have kids in less time than that. (I am grateful we only have dogs. I would have lost my shit if there was a tiny human involved.)

Ok. I got walk-ins. I need to go awkward dance these tears off already. Uuuugh.

Fuck it. “I just wanna pay my bills, rap about the way I feel. Oh, yeah.”