An Open Letter to My Heart, the one still residing outside of my chest, the broken one, writing memoirs of sadness to relationships that were not failures, they just didn’t work out.
I want you to love me the way I love you.
I want you to love me the way I should love myself.
I want you to love me, shelter me, cloth me, feed me, care for me, like a parent is meant to do, and like I have done for all of the children I have loved, cared for and given back to their parents.
I want you to love me the way my dog loves me right after a walk and a full belly, adoringly, with round soft eyes, deep trust and a comforting paw on my knee.
I want you to love me like I love the epic surrealism of Dali, or the sheer prolific ness of Picasso, while utterly rejecting his mysoginistic treatment of women. I want you to love me like I AM ONE OF THE GREAT ARTISTS and tell me that I am, because I have my whole life ahead of me still and there is room for my artistic heart in this overpopulated, self involved, creative world that seems to live mostly on Social Media.
I want to be loved like I love Frida Kahlo (Note: I really hope you don’t get the earwax ad that I got when I added this link- because it is discusting.) with a resonate understanding of what it is to be a deeply wounded woman giving up beautiful dreams important to herself over and over again, while forcing herself to love and live and keep creating even though every inch of her body was on fire.
I want to love me.
I have learned over the last few decades of my life, what it means, in my bones, to love others. I have shown up, shoved off, changed plans and put other people first in a way I wasn’t certain I was capable of doing. But I am. I know now how utterly capable I am of putting someone, and in fact, many someone’s ahead of my own good.
I am ready to let go of that. I am ready to learn to be selfish. To choose my own time, my own company, my own sweet wants, in order to redefine what life might be like if I were the captain of my own ship.
I want to love me deeper, instead of wider.
I want to love me for the ways I am not loving and kind. For the adorable ways I show up for my dog and my training, and don’t say yes to what YOU need. I want to learn HOW TO BE THIS Type of LOVER TO MYSELF.
ALL the research I am finding, states that even if I face everything, if I do all the recommended post divorce activities, whether I date or not- I will be grieving this relationship for an entire year.
If I am going to be sad, and OBVIOUSLY not allowing myself to cast off into the abyss of an entirely new life, somewhere with intense amounts of culture shock, then- I am going to learn how to love me, selfishly.
Do you hear me heart? I am speaking to you, and I know that words only sink in skin deep. I know words can cascade across tones, across eardrums like water. Actions, movements, choices are what change things, but do you see the small changes I am making for you?
Do you see the concessions I am taking mentally for us, you and I- me, to be able to feel our way towards a new essence of becoming?
Let me remind you, my darling, let me seduce you with ourself. Let us, together, make choices about our life path and see where the ways we are can adapt to fulfilling us more.
I am showing up at the tattoo shop, five days a week. I am choosing to believe the guys when they say that if I do that- I will be able to pay my bills. So far, they are correct. I have paid my bills for this month and it’s only mid month WITH a global pandemic happening around all of us.
I bought myself new cute clothes. Five full outfits. A red dress with pockets that looks amazing on me. A blue comfy sundress that will suit swim days. A swim suit with flamingos and hibiscus on the white background, a turquoise dress with a tie in the back, a Tommy Hilfiger pants suit with polka dots, and a black jumpsuit with a sexy cardigan throw.
I put a down payment on a puppy from High Dessert Aussies. (I won’t have to pay anymore money until the end of May, and I can also bump the deposit on the pup pretty much indefinitely, so it’s a choice for my future, with different moving parts than expected.)
I am sleeping alone, in my room.
I am taking space from B. I am not answering every text, responding to every MP. I am setting boundaries and putting my foot down with things I need around what I want my life to become. I am allowing myself to not be responsible for her mental, emotional, spiritual and physical health. And she is supporting me during this process by allowing me to adapt and address the separation.
I am feeding myself oatmeal, supplements, and walking myself daily.
I am writing, processing, reading and dancing my way into and through my feelings. See this blog? See those days and days of dancing at the shop? See yourself learning to grow and blossom and transform- or at the very least, take baby dance steps towards a more balanced existence?
I am practicing my 51/49% like the Libra suggested. I practice it everyday, and I even am practicing it to use it to say no to her, which she encourages.
I am reaching out for support. To my mom. To my brother, to my sister. To Nora, who is constant, faithful and real. I can trust what Nora says, because she loves me.
I am honoring my experience as I am going through it. I am showing up for my emotions. Ragged. Raw. Real. I am being vulnerable in a way I just don’t choose to do usually.
Ok Dear Heart. I love you. Keep on trucking. You can do this. You can take your broken pieces and compost them into something that will fertilize your very soul. <3