First of all, never have I ever, had this much free alone time, in combination with a lack of artistic inspiration or roommate needs and juju. Holy fuck balls, I am hitting the stage where I WANT TO GO OUT AND BE NEAR PEOPLE LIKE ALL THE TIME. But with the whole virus pandemic, I don’t feel like I am allowed to! This is annoying. I feel like I picked the wrong time to get divorced and experience the world.
Because if I have access to bunches of people who want to do things- I feel ok.
But when I don’t- I feel awful and weird. It’s not so much that I am an extrovert- as that right now I’m emotionally needy.
Translation: I am meeting my needs best when I spread them out over an influx of people rather than just to a couple of people. I ended up recognizing this attempted insanity this morning, when I ended up in a fight with the Libra.
She hit her max of being my emotional support animal and came up with a list of ways she thought I was sucking at life. This pissed me off. This pissed me off enough that- gasp! - I raised my voice.
Now, I come from a family of redheads. I am actually the only one in my family who isn’t a true redhead. Still got that solid red headed temper though. When I get pissed off- I end up flash-BOOM-mad. I need space, and to be be left alone, and to go for a walk/think/steam let off, and haven’t yet figured out that it is OK for me to need to stop having a conversation just because I need to stop. This is another one of those places where if I adjusted and MET MY OWN NEEDS, I wouldn’t end up fighting with my friends.
Because really, while what she said, pissed me off, and she has her own set of patterns that she needs to adjust- (such as not deciding I’m an asshole because I expressed needs, feelings or ideas of being upset instead of just reflecting positivity back to her)- but those things, aren’t up to me. The only thing that is up to me- is meeting my needs and becoming a better person who treats people in more and more respectful ways, while also, treating myself respectfully.
As soon as I settled down post-frustration and threw a carefully selected set of pens at the wall and then went and picked each of them back up- I settled into myself.
I settled into the reality that this isn’t an easy time of life for anyone right now. A global pandemic isn’t something that the USA has had to deal with. We’re a collection of corporations, freelancers, and communities that are used to working next to one another and not as much together with one another.
People’s attitudes are flaring, people’s feelings are getting uncomfortable, and we’re all a bit scared and worried. Take all that into account and add in that I expected to have time, energy and space to process my divorce WITH other people in collective spaces- watching plays, going to movies, tattooing, going to conventions, etc- and everything got canceled… I need to allow an adjustment period too. For not only myself, but for everyone else. Time to manage some expectations of myself, and of other people. Maybe even make a coping skills list that I can refer back to.
So. Happy snow day to Portlanders. Happy global discomfort to everyone, and best of luck being kind and connecting to people during this weird, strange and uncomfortable time of global crisis, upset and flurry of misinformation with an added bombardment of constant updates on the virus. I have nothing useful to offer, except this:
Be kind to each other. Cut each other some slack. Eat some tacos, and best of luck out there, I am rooting for you, and I am rooting for me. So I am gonna eat a yam and draw some more tattoo flash.