Maybe you’re like me, and you search diligently for “aligned action” and direction in your daily life.
Maybe you feel like you genuinely have a purpose being put here on this earth, and you desire to fulfill that purpose. Having desire to fulfill your purpose and to find ways to take care of the earth and support yourself and your community- is what “Taking aligned action without being attached to the outcome” means for me.
When I think about who I am, and where I want to be headed in my path work, decades of labels come to mind.
My mind is fast-quick at putting square pegs into round holes- waiting, cheering me on, encouraging me to keep going- even as labels tear at the shroud of my consciousness. Most of the time labels don’t stick for me, they’re more “moments passing in time”, experiences desiring to be developed- than badges of honor to uphold. However, and also…
The labels that have always felt right to me, are these:
Writer. Because I write.
Since I was 14 years old, in the face of diary betrayal, post weird therapy sessions over teenage suicidal-ideology from having hormones. Through my first divorce, through my second divorce, through all of my traumas, through everything- I turn back to writing.
I express myself best when I waterfall across a page and am then given time, by myself, to edit my thoughts into a cohesive and supportive narrative.
I learn from me best- because I trust what I say.
I can tell, in my own handwriting when I am lying, holding back, pressing forward or showing my heart honestly. And since I was 19 years old, I journal regularly. This is why I recommend you journal also, as part of the Creativity, Delivered Project of 2021.
My perspective is: No one but yourself is the best expert on what you need or want. Does this feel true to you?
2. Artist. Because I make things.
I draw, I write creative stories, I paint, I tattoo, I dream, I try tons of mediums, and I like to experiment. I am an artist. I haven’t wavered from this path, since I committed to living it, at 20, in the small apartment Nora and I shared, where I would cover the floor and walls with pictures of her face.
I am even a bohemian artist- with a deeper tendency towards intoxicants and avoidance than I realized- desperately in love with Beauty and Truth as ideals.
I learn what I believe, and what I can do in my life, when I support myself, when I use art as therapy. I access my “true” or “in the moment right now” feelings when I paint. I feel my feelings when color cascades across a page- or now, more frequently, when needle touches down to skin.
How do you feel when you’re engaged in creativity?
3. Woman. I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t looking forward to growing up and being a woman.
I loved the way adults looked at each other. I adored their flirtations, and I wanted to be desired, because desire felt like power- and being a desirable woman seemed a way to access that power that I wanted- after being so lost for so long. In Practical Magic, I wanted so badly to identify with Sally, because her life, while magical, seemed so safe and homey, but I always resonated with Jilly and her desire to spin, headlong into whatever experience she was having.
Stories have always been powerful to me. They have taught me how to love myself, how to access true power. Which for me, rings of empowerment, the only type of power that no one can take away from me without actually killing me. Empowerment for me, means taking full responsibility for my life and accepting my choices as my own. Empowerment means trusting my instincts. It means feeling my feelings. It means I demand I show up for my life, excavate my internal landscape, and work deeply on healing my traumas.
I believe that I am not responsible for my trauma. I did not choose it, and it happened through no fault of my own, through no inherent wrongness on my part as a Spirit in a Meat Suit. However, it happened. And I am in charge of healing myself.
Because, still, IN THIS WORLD, right now, being a woman can be its own utter form of hell. Women understand that, girls understand that, from a very young age. I wish, I pray, I work to make this place better for everyone- but particularly for the current women I love, and for little girls. Everybody has to pick a hill to die on, and that’s my hill.
I want to teach people to save themselves. There is only one kind of power that can’t be taken away from us- our own innternal power- empowerment- and like so many others, I have been seeking power from a million different bleeding paper cuts- all self inflicted- and I gotta tell ya- I don’t know how to save myself either.
I am not happy. I am not saved. I am another speck of sand, on the beach called by the tides to move.
What do you need to do to save yourself?
4. I Am. “I am” is a statement of being. It’s a nod to the impermanence of life, moments, connections, and chapters of our story. It feels like a call to action for my being, while also being a space where I can experience the with what “I am” right now- which is really a prompt for “who I want to become.”
I am, however- learning contentment. I am learning preserverance. I am learning that I am responsible for my own life- and when I give other people responsibility for it- I give away my power. I am dancing. I am tattooing. I am a professional artist. I am healing.
I am a being filled with desire. I can live on very little- and I can self sabotage, with the best of the victims- believing I don’t deserve the things in life I truly want. I am capable of changing my thoughts, my body, my choices and my mind to better align with what feels healing to me right now.
That requires I ask questions:
What do I truly want?
Connection. Touch. Understanding. Deep love.
The ability to choose how I spend my time.
Resources to share with people I love.
Access to healthy food, water and beautiful shelter.
2. Who do I want to become?
A witch in the woods surrounded by nature, animals, movement, abundance, color and people who love me.
Productive, capable.
Whole.
3. How do I get there?
Slowly. With conscious thought, and aligned action.
Openly, with speaking my truth and showing up for the work with an open heart and patience.
It’s work- for sure, to express, to connect, to resonate. It’s work to show up and be vulnerable. To me, it’s worth it. I love you. I love the earth. I love my dogs, and I love being alive, here, in these moments where I can change, adjust and be delighted in and with. Thanks for working hard on making the world, and your own internal landscape, a better place to be.