Yes.
I can do this.
I can do this immeasurably difficult thing called healing my heart from the crazy stress of the last fucking forever. And from getting divorced, and from changing careers, and from everything else that’s always happening.
I haven’t yet let myself be really sad. I can tell looking around my house and the way I straight up froze in the first week of quarantine, that I froze. My nervous system shut the fuck down and I couldn’t do anything at all for the first solid week.
It’s been over a full month since I figured out how to post anything anywhere again, and I think it’s time to still do things in order, so I can keep my own log of time going by.
Our lives don’t actually happen in linear time. They are cyclical narratives, of happenstance, choices and being in places with other people, together. However, I, like most artists, am a storyteller. I want to heal my heart. I want to heal my body. I want to heal my lineage. I want to heal my own soul.
This is my life after all. I am the only one who can figure out how to live inside my own skin.
Right now, my skin isn’t in a place I want to be. To be more correct, my place of power, isn’t where I want to be.
Because, my reproductive organs are revolting. I have been using Cycle from Estuary Herbs, owned by my buddy Haeli, in Slidell, Louisiana, to start the dissolution of my uterine cysts, and to reduce the pelvic stagnation that’s been going on the last couple of years. My body however, like always, is reacting. I have a UTI, some sort of vaginal infection (is this yeast? Is this B.V.? What the fuck is this doom?)
March 16, 2020.
Yes. This is true. Being here is so... marinating in all the feelings and goals and dreams I had before with Bethany. I cleaned my house out pretty significantly and donated a bunch of different things, changed all the parts I hated and set myself up to both be able to grieve, and to move through my emotional process... but. The best laid plans man. Every plan I ever make involves me moving my body. A lot.
AND WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL FROZEN IN PLACE NOW? How is there a global pandemic? How did we get an intense virus that managed to transport itself globally across the world? This is a crazy, insane, weird experience. I hate it. And I wanted to get to process my divorce. I wanted to get to go a bunch of places and do things I WANTED TO DO.
I wanted to get tattooed by Sam Myers this month. I wanted to have Benjamin Carley tattoo my other tarot card on me. I wanted to get gold stars from Ammon and maybe try his lathe in the wood shop. I wanted to do stuff, touch people, go on dates, hang out with strangers and do strange weird things!
But no. Like everyone else, I am stuck, trapped in my fucking room, because of course, I actually have a cough. It’s a really weird feeling to feel like by coughing, I could kill strangers.
I bought some lasagnes and cough medicine. I’m not sleeping well and I feel pretty miserable. But like basically miserable, with a cold, not so much Covid-19 sick. I have had tons of colds (nanny for 19 years, remember?) and this just feels like a rough cold.
Also, this is my first time being sick by myself. *pouts
I don’t want to be sick by myself. Nor can I call anybody to come make me feel better! Cause I could have a weird virus. Being sick, makes me made up of feelings. I hates it. But hey, I wanted processing time.
Be careful what you ask for!
Ok. Get a handle on yourself. You can do this. You are prepared to do this. You have the Thea Elijah, Fire Book. Go through it and think about what you need to survive. Do the heart meditations. Please just do them. Maybe dude… try painting again.
I have been struggling to paint. I actually haven’t painted since leaving New Orleans, and leaving Bethany behind. Why the fuck did I have to leave her behind again? Oh right, because things weren’t working. Very seriously weren’t working. We tried all the things Finn.
Breathe and let things go.
REFOCUS on yourself and let this go.
Acceptance.
What is my purpose?
Focus on a purposeful life and happiness will follow.
My purpose, my purpose, MY purpose... is to use art and connections with other people, to teach them to heal themselves. That's why I tattoo. That's the thematic elements of my art. That is even the people I pick to be around me. Healers, community builders, creatives who want to teach people their own value.
The thing I am struggling with right now the most- is focusing on a specific objective. I am usually quite good at that, but right now I feel scrambled, ADHD and unfocused. I feel as if I am trying to draw a map in a bathtub, and everytime I dry out the paper, the map wrinkles a little bit more.
This sense of frustration could be because I am having massive feeling about things.
I NEED right now. I am sure I am not the only one clenching their teeth, biting their nails off, demanding idiotic things from themselves and feeling so ducking pissed off that this global pandemic wrecked their summer plans. It’s March. (Nope, it’s May now) There’s a shelter in place order until May 1st, 2020 (Hello May 3rd, and the Shelter In Place Order for until July 6th, 2020.) How, what, who, why and where are we going to spend our time together? What is happening and how do I figure out my purpose during this whole experience?
Shelter in Place Darling. Breathe. Try out live-streaming. Reach out to other people. See what you can make of these next few months doing this craziness. Most of all though, can we please work on healing ourselves?
Thank you dear self.
I love you, even when you’re neurotic and miserable.